It's a normal afternoon. It should be a normal afternoon because it feels like a normal afternoon because the sun is shining in the window and it's warm and the TV is on and Levi and Shep are just hanging around Levi's apartment. Everything is the same, except Levi is sick with anxiety and every time he thinks about the Thing he feels like he's going to be sick.
Levi tries to tear his gaze away from Shep. It's not like Shep is doing anything special. He's just mesmerising in whatever he does. But also this is making Levi's anxiety very difficult to avoid. Because looking at Shep = thinking about the Thing and not looking at Shep = impossible.
Levi...doesn't want to leave Shep. He's been thinking this a lot, but every time he does it, the feeling seeps into him more.
He doesn't have to stay. He can go back now. He remembers the Problem, and he remembers her name and she has to let him back in now that he is about to lose the only friend he's ever had in a very painful way.
But he doesn't want to leave. He's been getting closer to Shep every day and it's been so long and in the grand scheme of things it probably won't matter too much because Levi is old anyway but this is a Right Now feeling. And Right Now it is a feeling that doesn't want to go away.
He has to get back eventually, though. He has to solve The Problem.
Yeah, it took him a while, but he remembers now. All those demons that have been coming for him and other people? They're not supposed to be out at all. They're coming from the Labyrinth which is supposed to be heavily guarded at all times to stop them from getting out.
The Problem is that the Labyrinth, currently, is not heavily guarded at all.
The main problem that made the Problem the Problem was that the Labyrinth was where Hell stuck the demons they didn't want to deal with, and usually that meant the bad ones that kept doing bad things and didn't show any signs of wanting to change or better themselves and so Lucifer would just be like 'fuck it' and send them to the Labyrinth.
Anyway demons keep escaping the Labyrinth or whatever and now it's Levi's problem because they all want to kill him for whatever reason. Probably revenge. Or boredom.
Levi watches Shep again but says nothing. He has to say something soon, or Shep will notice that he's acting weird.
“Are you alright, Levi?”
Levi could tell him. Levi wants to trust Shep but he knows he can't.
“Just tired.” He gives a long fake yawn to try to sell the 'tired' thing. It's very fake and Levi doubts Shep believes it but he doesn't pry any further so Levi considers that a success.
God damn it, this whole time he's wanted to leave, this whole time he's wanted to go back and this is his chance to break all his connections to this world and be free but-
He can't. He doesn't want to.
Levi crawls under the hole in the fence and heads into the Gate. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself before going in so he can at least pretend he hasn't been wearing this shirt for a week. Maybe she'll let him back into Hell if he doesn't look like a depressed mess with no life and who is he kidding she's not going to let him back.
He walks into the house, does the thing, and shields his eyes as his vision is once more flooded with white.
“Hi, Edward,” he says, putting emphasis on her name to show he's a big boy and he's grown up and he remembers.
“Great,” she says, sarcastically. “You’ve done the bare minimum to get back in. Congratulations.”
“Does-”
“That doesn't mean I'm going to let you, though.”
Levi sighs and slumps on the floor next to her. He honestly wasn't expecting her to let him back in, but god it would be nice. The world is hard now. With that threat from Bantam, there's nothing keeping him here. One way or another, Shep's going to find out, and even if he probably won't kill Levi any more he's going to leave and Levi knows it. This is going to fuck everything up and he should just leave now while he has the chance. It'd probably be less painful if he just straight up disappeared. Or if he ghosted Shep. It would be a dick move, but it would probably be the one that worked best in the long term. Shep would never have to Know, and Levi would never have to Tell Him and more importantly Levi would never have to deal with guardian angels again.
“You have cocaine on your shirt.”
“It’s icing sugar.” Levi stares down at the ground glumly. Edward notices.
It's not particularly hard to notice because today he isn't pestering the shit out of her like he usually does.
“You’re sad. Why?”
“Shep.”
“Did he do something?”
“No.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“No.” He doesn't want to. It's not a problem with Edward, it's just that Levi is sick of thinking about it and he doesn't want these thoughts to keep going in his mind.
Edward sighs and watches Levi curl into the fetal position.
“You know, that angel boy has done a pretty good job of making sure you don't die so far. Maybe he'd be a good-”
“God, no,” says Levi. “He’d die immediately. He's too nice.”
“You care about him a lot.”
“Shut up.” Levi doesn't want to think about that. Not now. Not when he's trying to disconnect himself from Shep.
“Why are you trying to deny it?”
“I’m not denying anything.” Levi blocks his ears. This is dumb and unproductive. He came here to stop thinking about Shep and Edward just keeps talking about him. If they're just going to discuss Shep he may as well leave because this is a terrible distraction.
“Listen. I can't help you unless you tell me exactly what's going on here. There's obviously something deeper than some boy making you sad. Just. Tell me. Let's get this over and done with.”
So then he sits there and tells her everything, everything everything and maybe adds in a few details he would have left out if he was in the right mind but he was sad and desperate and lonely and he was just spilling his feelings out to poor unsuspecting Edward.
“Edward, I think I love him.”
“I think you do too.”
“I’m not even dating him.”
Stupid Levi. Stupid Levi getting this attached when he knew it would have to end. He knew all along. How come he let this happen? He's been around for thousands of years, you'd think he'd learn to stop it but he can't. He's gone and fallen in again and it's terrible.
“Love goes beyond romance,” she says. “Even if you're not dating you still care about him a whole lot. If what you're feeling isn't love, then I don't know what is.” She sighs and waits for Levi to say something else.
He doesn't.
He sits and thinks for a long ass time. And Edward says nothing.
“You're not really making this any better.” Levi stands up in an attempt to confront her. He's angry. And tired of existing and people and negotiations and- “Just- let me go back. I don't want to stay here any more.”
“Well, yeah. I could let you back in now, if I wanted. But here’s the thing: I don’t. You’re not done here yet. You’re not here because you want to go back. You’re here because you’re running away from your problems again.”
“I’m not,” says Levi.
“You never change, my liege,” she sighs. “Stop running. Stop hiding. You can fix this. I know you can. You’re the fucking King of Hell, you can fix anything if you set your mind to it.”
“But-”
“No. Get out. Go get your angel boyfriend back.”
Levi folds his arms and glares at her.
Edward raises her eyebrows, shrugs, and then the Gate disappears and he's standing on that gross carpet with the graffiti and the blood and the broken glass and the mould. Maybe he belongs with those things. Unwanted. Annoying. People actively try to get rid of him, as they do with other terrible things like broken glass.
That's why he likes Shep, he guesses. Shep actually wants to be around him, and not just cause he's the King of Hell and he's cool and has good magic but because he's Levi.
He shouldn't have to bury this stuff. He’s going to stop hiding it from himself because god Damn it, Edward was right and he never changes. He has to just...let himself feel things.
...and mainly the thing that he’s in love with Shep.
There’s no denying it, really. Levi's sick of it. And if it’s obvious enough that Edward could work it out without having ever met Shep it must be pretty fucking obvious.
The sun's out.
He hates it.
The red brick pavement is yellowed by its evil rays. Heat lines rise up from the asphalt of the road and every time Levi walks past a window or a car mirror he gets a painful stab of light in his eyes.
Levi wishes he could kill the sun. Levi wishes he could kill everything.
He just...wants to go home. And curl up in bed.
It's too hot and bright out here and everything hurts. His heart. His feelings. His eyes.
Existence is dumb. He hates existing. Only bad things come from existing, and he can confirm it because he has existed a very long time and in that frame he's died about twenty times so he knows the levels of shittiness existence can reach. He knows the pinnacle of shittiness.
He's been shot. Stabbed. Burned.
He's fallen in love time and time again and he's regretted it. Every single time he let this happen he regretted it but for whatever reason he hasn't learned and he's gone and done it again because he's a dumb bastard.
A movement near Levi breaks him out of his spiral. Someone's walking toward him.
In the corner of his eyes, he sees pink hair and that's all he needs to keep walking, keep looking down, wow the pavement is very interesting today isn't it-
“You can't keep running, Leviathan,” says Bantam, in a kind of sing-song tone.
“Fuck off,” says Levi, copying her tone. “What do you want?” He doesn't need her to answer, though. He already knows. Bantam is here to make an already shitty day shittier.
“Just checking in. Watching you. Making sure you're not doing anything sneaky.”
Usually he'd try to engage in some sort of snarky attempt to insult her that turned into a tennis match of insults but he isn't feeling it today. He isn't feeling it at all now or ever, knowing that Bantam has the power to tear his entire life away from him.
He’s hoping that through some miracle she won't follow through on her threat. Maybe he can bargain with her. Maybe he can do something to keep things this way forever.
...but this is Bantam. He barely knows her, yet he knows her just enough to know that she's serious about it. She's going to do it because it doesn't matter what happens afterward, it's going to benefit her either way.
Levi shrugs and turns away. Talking to her is just going to make it worse.
“Are you going to tell him? Shall I do it for you?”
“Shut up.”
He could kill her. He wants to kill her, but there's no way it will end well. Bantam was undoubtedly stronger than him and even if she wasn't, killing Shep's boss would probably come on the same level as being the king of Hell.
“You know, you're being highly aggressive for someone who is clearly in the subordinate position right now.”
“Yeah, well, I wonder why.”
Right. She’s trying to piss him off. That's what she wants.
Well, it’s working.
Levi knows that he shouldn't fall into the trap of letting her control him and he knows that's exactly what he's doing but he's tired. He's tired of fighting. He's so tempted to just give up and let go but he can't.
“If you're here to provoke me into fucking everything up, why don't you go and do it yourself? Make it harder for me to fix things. Screw my life up more. Not like there's any reason for me to care now.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Fucking do it.”
This is bad and he knows it because now he's provoking her. She's the one on top here, she's got the power but he's too angry to stop the words from coming out of his mouth. He doesn't think before he says things and-
“You know what?” she says. “Maybe I'm sick of your shit.” She glares at Levi, and disappears immediately.
And it's at that exact moment Levi knows he's fucked.
He can't fix things now.
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