“Shit.” Well, he’s fucked now, isn’t he? Bantam’s gone off to find Shep and presumably spill the tea on Levi’s entire tragic backstory while Levi sits and waits and suffers while Shep unfriends him on Facebook. “Shit.”
He’s trying to be funny but actually he’s terrified, he’s fucking terrified, and he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe if he can get to Shep before Bantam gets to him, he might be able to- he doesn’t know. Do something.
He has to tell Shep. He's gotta tell him sometime, on his own terms instead of some angel's. He has to tell Shep because Shep deserves to know and the longer he hides it the worse it will be when Shep finds out.
He just wants Shep to accept him for who he is.
Funny, he usually has to go through this shit for being trans, he had to risk it with his parents and family and anyone he's ever loved ever but that bit was easy with Shep. He's doing the same thing he's always done, just for a totally different reason.
This fucking sucks why did any of this have to happen why couldn't Shep just know or figure it out or some shit that people do when he comes out as trans? Why can't Shep just bring it up at a convenient moment and then make it chill?
The reason why is because Shep doesn't know. Levi has gone to such an extent to hide it that Shep doesn't have a clue, and judging by the weight Bantam is putting on it, she hasn't told him either.
So long story short he's fucked and he's going to die alone and sad and crying in a muddy ditch like he always does.
Levi paces around his room trying to solve a problem he knows he can't fix.
With every step he takes he has less and less hope that he'll find a solution other than telling Shep himself. Of course there's that thing he could do where he murders Bantam but that's not going to solve the problem of he is going to lose Shep. His only friend.
Levi doesn't want to give Bantam the satisfaction of telling Shep. If Shep is going to find out, Levi is going to do it on his own terms. At least then he'll know how Shep reacts.
He pulls his phone out. He's going to message Shep, get him over here and then Levi is just going to tell him. At least Shep will be able to murder him in person.
When he turns on his screen, there's already a message from Shep.
Levi, I just heard from Bantam that-
Convenient. Great. So he knows already. Levi opens his phone to see the rest of the message, and though it is entirely the opposite of what he expected it might actually be worse.
Levi, I just heard from Bantam that there's an assassin after you. I don't know why or how but please text me so I know you're safe and let's find somewhere where they won't find you because I'm still your guardian angel and I don't want to get fired forever.
Ah, back on that bullshit again. It's alright, it won't last long, Levi is either going to die or be abandoned soon anyway. And also there's an assassin after him.
Fucking great.
Levi waits outside his apartment, even though apparently there’s someone out to kill him. Honestly he’d kind of prefer that at this stage. It’d save him from doing this shit with Shep.
“Levi!” Shep calls from outside the gate.
Fuck, is he already out of time? No, he wouldn't be, because if Shep knew then he most definitely would not still be calling him Levi. He'd probably be calling him ‘fuckface’ or something.
Shep runs up to him and grabs his shoulders. “I have to take you somewhere safe.”
Right.
There probably wasn’t even an assassin. Bantam had probably been talking about Levi in some cryptic way. Anyway, it's bought Levi time and that's what he needs. Time. He just needs a few minutes and somewhere safe where some angelic motherfucker won't bother him.
“I think I have somewhere,” Levi says. “Follow me.”
Good place for explanations. Good place for hiding from angels. Good place for a quick getaway if it all goes horribly wrong.
Bad place for looking like a functional human being. Like, really, Levi? This is how you live? This is your idea of somewhere safe?
He grabs Shep’s hand, and Shep follows reluctantly.
Levi feels a lot more self conscious about going to the Gate now that Shep is here, even though Shep doesn't know what it is. It never crossed his mind how weird crawling through the hole in the fence and hiding in a musty, boarded-up house looks until now. He's showing Shep now. Look at how I really live. He's showing Shep his complete disregard for all human societal norms and he probably isn't too impressed.
Though currently, Shep looks too scared to be worried about doing dodgy things. All he cares about now is getting Levi somewhere safe.
...it's not gonna be like that for long.
The problem with being kind of immortal is that if Levi just offs himself here to escape his problems he'll just remember it next life and still feel bad about it. There's no running from this one. Levi has to face it head on. Like a fucking motorway collision. He can't stop this shit if he tried cause the other car is coming at him from the wrong direction and it's aiming for him.
Levi crawls under the hole in the fence, expecting Shep to start freaking out right about now.
Levi is wrong about that, because actually, Shep has been freaking out the whole way and there probably isn’t anything that could make this worse. He’s worried about Levi, he’s worried about the most important person in his life, and everything just seems to be getting steadily worse.
He holds Levi’s hand tighter as they walk up the dirt track to the house.
“What is this place?”
“It’s...” Well, Levi wants to call it safe but he's not sure how believable that is. Safe for Levi. Somewhere that feels like home. It’s an old house, with boarded up windows and rotting wood. Time has destroyed the paint on the outside, the remainder of which is falling off onto the weeds below. “It’s out of the way. No one will find us here.” He forces the door open and walks in.
Shep breathes a sigh of relief. “I suppose? It definitely isn't a place you'd look for an angel in.” He steps into the darkness uncertainly. Spiderwebs and broken glass lie across the floor. Levi finds his way to the room, the gate, the place where he knows he can escape if this all goes wrong.
Shep notices the blood on the floor and grimaces.
Whoops. Okay. He just has to do this. He just-
He doesn't know how to bring it up. How he should bring it up.
“Shep, there's something I'd like to talk about.”
There's no way Shep is going to react well to this.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Levi drops to the floor, lies down, and covers his face with his hands.
“Oh god.” Shep kneels down next to Levi, and gently places a hand on his shoulder. Levi takes Shep’s hand and holds it tighter than anything he ever has before.
God damn it, no, he doesn't want to cry. This is so stupid. He was ready to do it, he was prepared, he knew what he was going to do but now he's not sure if he can follow through with it at all.
This isn't a 'what if it goes wrong’ anxious feeling, because he knows it's going to go wrong. This time it's the feeling of inevitability. Of losing Shep.
He’s lost so much before, he’s lost everything over and over again but that was different. This is different. It’s not like dying where he’ll come back again. Dying hurts less because it’s a long time in between when he dies and when he realises what he’s lost but this is worse because he’s going to feel it and he’s going to remember it for the rest of forever.
“I’ve done terrible things and I know that but…I know I’ve done good things too.”
“Levi, you-”
“When everything changes I want you to remember that I’m not the heartless creature everyone else thinks I am.”
This is it, Levi thinks. This is the last time.
The last time he’ll be able to talk to Shep, the last time he can hold hands, the last time they can have a normal friendship which if he’s being honest, isn’t what he wants, he doesn’t want friendship, he wants to be with Shep for the rest of his life but this is the last time.
The last time he can ever look at his beautiful eyes in wonder, the last time he’ll be able to look at his stupid adorable scarf. There are so many last times that never happened because Levi didn’t know it. The last full-season binge of some garbage cooking show, last time they went to the shops, last time they visited the park, the last time they had breakfast or lunch or dinner together.
“Please don’t hate me.”
He wants to stall, he doesn’t want this to be his last memory of Shep, he doesn’t want to let go of Shep, but he doesn’t know what else to say, he doesn’t know how to stall, he just wants this to be over.
“Levi, please, I want to help, just tell me what's wrong so I can-“
The emotions surge in him, the anxiety turns to anger and his fingernails dig into his palms.
“You wanna know, Shep?”
What it feels like to hide everything?
What it feels like to live in fear of everything?
What it feels like when your only friend wants to kill you?
“You want to fucking know, Shep?” The anger in his body quickly overrides any feelings of fear or remorse or regret.
“Levi-”
“I’m the King of Hell, Shep. That's what's fucking wrong.”
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