The void is deep and endless. The void is infinite. The void is prime real estate.
Welcome to Chasm Falls.
Well, dear listeners, it’s another beautiful day in Chasm Falls. The fog is high in the sky, and for a split second the clouds parted for a rare glimpse of the sun. I was sitting at my desk, staring out my government-monitored window, and there it was. The sun’s ray – a beautiful, shining ray of hope. It filled me with such wonder and happiness and gratefulness. I immediately phoned my girlfriend to tell her I love her, because the world is beautiful and so is she.
Oh yeah! Speaking of glowing orbs in the sky, I have an announcement from the city council regarding one.
*clears throat*
Have you ever looked at the moon? Have you ever seen the moon? Are you aware of the moon’s existence as a physical entity?
If not, good! The moon does not exist, and never will.
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions, please report to your nearest electronics store for re-education.
The moon does not exist.
You can not see the moon.
And now for some good news! The Chasm Falls Heroes Association is opening their headquarters today, and any organism with more than three dimensions is invited to come! Two dimensional organisms must be accompanied by a three- or more dimensional carer, and anything with more than seven must take a visible form, so as not to affect anyone…dimensionally challenged.
The open day will include games, such as ‘Defend the City’ and ‘Do You Have A Superpower, We Need To Know Now’, so you won’t have a problem taking care of the kids! For the adults, there will be a Q&A with our favourite heroes, and other informative talks about superpowers and how you can become a hero.
Attendance is not compulsory, though an online quiz version of ‘Do You Have A Superpower, We Need To Know Now’ will be mandatory for anyone not seen there.
I don’t know about you, listeners, but I think it sounds like fun! I’ll be reporting live from the event in an exclusive interview later today.
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Hello, listeners! While you were listening to that message, I was making my way to the Heroes Association Headquarters! I have to say, it’s rather busy, what with the whole town whole town here. Ooh! There goes Fallout Boy! And there! There she is! The Raptor!
Miss Raptor!
Uh…hi?
I’m here for the community radio interview!
Oh. Right. Yeah! I’ll be back in a moment. Just gotta, uh…
Oh! Okay! That’s fine. She just left.
While we’re waiting for our beloved superhero to return, I think I’ll try my hand at the superpower test! I mean, it’s mandatory, so I guess I’d better do it. I just picked up a sheet for the adult version!
“Full name and address”: Ashley blah blah, I can fill that all out when I get home. “Average high school maths score”: Probably about a 60%, I wasn’t too bad at it. “Favourite TV show”: ugh obviously the Easy Way Out, I love that stuff. And family links, too. “Do objects frequently levitate in your house? In particular, any of these: bong, any Nintendo product, textbooks published in 1976, raw steak, bonsai.” We don’t…have any of those in our house?
“Do you ever” woah. Alriiiight. Okaaaay. This is definitely the adult version. I’ll, uh- I guess I’ll take this home and finish it later. I can not finish this on air.
Hey, look! The Raptor’s back! Let’s get this show on the road. And by show I mean interview. This radio show has been on for…a long time. A very long time. I’ve had this gig since I was…fourteen, maybe? No accounting for what the abominations choose, hey? Nervous laughter
Oh! I’d better catch The Raptor while I can! Miss Raptor!
Hi again.
So, how are you doing on this fine day?
I’m doing alright, I guess. It’s a little tiring being here with all these people, and by that, I guess I mean a lot. It’s a lot tiring.
Well, that’s alright. You have to be here way longer than me, and I’m already tired! I’m sure you’ll be able to rest when you get home.
Yeah. Thanks.
Anyway, let’s ask some questions! The first one I’m sure we all know already, but I have to ask. What is your superpower?
*sigh* So you know how most people, when they’re drowning, they actually drown? Well, for me, I don’t drown. The water just turns into velociraptors.
Wow! I have no idea how you could effectively apply that in combat!
Me neither! I have no idea why I’m so popular.
Well, you are. Let’s move on to the next question! What’s your favourite part of being a registered superhero?
Do you want the cool answer or the honest answer? Because I’m giving you the honest answer anyway. The discount coupons. And the cheaper healthcare. Everything is cheaper when you’re a superhero.
Not, uh…saving people?
Oh yeah. That too.
And what about your name? Did you choose it, or-
I made raptors out of water, do you think I got to choose?
Fair point, fair point. What if you could choose your name yourself?
Maybe, hm, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. Dinosaur Lady? Gay Lady? Dinosaur Gay Lady- no that’s terrible. Maybe just something nondescript that didn’t give my whole gimmick away to villains. Lady? Girl? Yeah. Uh. Lady. Just Lady.
Well, that works just fine! Maybe you can submit an application to get it changed?
Yeah, maybe.
Okay then! So what would you do if you weren’t a superhero?
Checkout chick. Still get the discount coupons. Still get the money.
That definitely makes sense! Well, I’d love to stay and talk, but I do believe I have to be getting back to the studio! If you want to talk sometime, or, uh, anything else? Coffee? Movie? Dog walking? Boardgames? Here’s my number.
Sweet. I’ll call you sometime.
Well, everybody, that was The Raptor! Hopefully we’ll be seeing more of her around, and maybe even on the show! Also, b-t-dubs, sorry about the number, Lily, I love you. If we decide to meet up you can come too! Anyway, time to head back to the studio.
I’ll be back after a short break to wrap up the show for today.
Nutribullet. Drawing out the latent power of your food. Approximately 75% of foods contain hidden vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients that you’re not getting. With the help of the eldritch abominations, those nutrients are extracted and then consumed by those abominations. Cut your weekly offering price by up to 75% by supplementing the abominations with our unused vitamins instead!
Nutribullet. Stop wasting your money on the abominations, and give it to the government instead.
Authorised by the Chasm Falls Government, Chasm Falls.
I’m back! The death count for Open Day was surprisingly low, with a total of only 5 people imploded because of the multidimensional beings who didn’t get the memo. That is a new record, listeners!
It’s the end of another exciting day in Chasm Falls. The light has disappeared from the sky, vaguely nudging us in the direction of sleep and our beds. The air is full of fog, as it has been, and always will be. The moon does not exist, and never will.
And with that, I bid you adieu, Chasm Falls. See you all tomorrow!
This is great!! :DD
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